I've been SUPing for about 4 years now and copped a bit of abuse from time to time for no other reason than I was riding a SUP - not for dropping in, not for being greedy and not for falling off on my umpteenth undeserved set wave.

So there I am this morning paddling out at a rather delightful reef point with an old mate visiting from Sydney on a morning that the surf websites were calling onshore, when in fact it was WNW and perfect offshore, and it was 4ft plus for the first time since pre-Xmas. He's frothing, hasn't seen waves breaking more than 100m for 10 years, and we're late for it at 645am but there are only 2 blokes out instead of 30. We even wear a set of ten 5ft waves on the head paddling out, with only one wave ridden by one of the two blokes out the back, which was a short one and only broke for about 80 yards. We reach the takeoff and one of the chaps turns around and greets me with a spray of vitriol that would make the pub silent on grand final arvo. Of course I tried to be diplomatic and extended the tried and true reciprocal greeting of f-off and inquired as to where on earth he might be from, all the usual niceties, but then after the 5th or 6th to-and-fro it got a bit boring and I got stuck - my lines were just too predictable and I was laughing too much at the stupidity of it all. I was so disappointed with my wit and command of the vernacular that I didn't even offer to brush his teeth with the paddle from a rectal perspective (too easy). Or invite him to the beach for a good hiding (too old-school).

I need help, as extreme violence is beginning to look like an option. I need some good one-liners to engage those most tolerant of souls without whom we would have resort to sharing waves and watching sunrises, in a lively and engaging repartee. Any good ones? The more Monty Python-esque the better.

cheers
tang

ps some one-liners for those SUPers who make it hard for the rest of us might be in order as well.